Bringing A Want To Fruition And The Feelings That Come With It

Today I fINALLY got my desk together after wanting an office/work space for SO MANY YEARS!

This little corner of my apartment has been something that I’ve been dreaming about since I moved out of a dorm, and actively sought to finish and accomplish since I moved to Oregon. My IKEA desk was ordered over 2 weeks ago, was FINALLY DELIVERED YESTERDAY (praise the lord! I actually came through to accept the deliveries on the 3rd try!), and was officially finished being put together today! So when I put the last drawer into its slot and put the top of the desk on my ALEX drawer units, why was I all of a sudden so sad?

I saw my desk put together almost exactly how I had imagined it: wood top on white drawer units, resting in front of the windows, sitting there with a chair perfectly sized for me, and why was my first reaction to cry? It wasn’t a happy! Yay! This is done now! cry either. It was a sad, somber, empty cry. It affected me so much that later on in the day, Caleb even approached me saying he was worried about me and asked me what was wrong. I didn’t have words at the time, but I think I’m getting a grasp on how I feel.

On the one hand, we’ve been through a lot of stress. My job search isn’t as successful as I hoped it would be, my creative juices seem to be on E, we’ve had a phone stolen and just spent the money to replace it, we’re exhausted from travelling and I keep making silly life mistakes that cost significantly more time and energy to fix than if I had just put the dedication in to not get it wrong in the first place.

But my reason for crying was not that I am stressed, it was truly because I felt like I did NOT DESERVE this space for me after so long of feeling like I keep dropping the ball. I feel like everything I do is like a snowball rolling downhill, collecting more and more weight as it tumbles on by. I feel like there is an expectation I’ve put on myself and I continuously am disappointing myself on all fronts, that when I saw this desk that I had wanted so badly, that I put together with my own hands, that was purely a gift and a luxury for me… I felt like I truly did not deserve it.

I live this wonderful and amazing life and I keep making things harder on myself by not being consistent and not following through and the literal one thing I followed through on to get finished was this selfish want for this thing that so many people do not have and I feel like I didn’t work for it enough or do enough good to be able to receive this thing that is so wonderful and amazing. AKA: I keep fucking up, so why am I allowing me to spoil myself?

This is truly the reason I felt so sad and somber, but this is the reason I must use this desk and this space as a TOOL TO DO GOOD.

I cannot let this feeling drown out the excitement I feel to have this for me. How much of an entitled prick would I be if I busted everyone’s nuts for years to have a space of my own, and then when I finally got it I was just a sad sack the entire time and didn’t let myself truly enjoy it?

JUST WAIT. This desk is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I already feel stronger, more empowered and more excited to utilize this space to the best of my abilities than I have about a lot of things in my life. This desk I am not scared of; I feel privileged to be able to have this space and I’m going to USE IT.

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME VENT.

Stop telling yourself you’re a piece of shit and use the things you love to make you feel better.

Love you. You can do it <3

Influence

I used to write poetry frequently to help deal with some of the emotional turmoil I’m sure we all experienced at least a little bit during school. Then, it was not enough just to write; I wanted feedback! I actually wanted to be a really real writer, and my friend at the time showed me this website called Deliric.com and was it THE best. No one knew about it except for us and the community was super small and the people were nice and middle school me lived for the anonymity. We used to post all the time and encourage each other to write and it made us feel so good because there was no pressure from anyone else to be an actual good poet; no one knew us, and we were good enough friends at the time to never judge each other about our own content. It was truly a beautiful time.

The idea of getting “Deliric famous” thrilled me. I felt that any comment I received had to be genuine, because no one on there really knew me and perhaps one day I could be a rando on the internet posting “deep” shit and years into the future I would be quoted as a deep thinker, feeler, and capturer of emotions. “Anonymous” has been quoted time and time again. Anonymous knows so many things all the while being able to literally be anyone and anything without influence and… pressure? from an outside source. What power anonymity has! I adore that part of me that just wanted my creations to be loved.

Now that I think back on it, it makes me laugh because there is no way a lack of pressure could be involved in that situation. If people write about you and you know they’re writing about you, isn’t it only natural to internalize those things in your own way and respond to them as your progress throughout your career?

I was watching an interview of Billie Eilish today, where she was doing the same interview one year apart. I was thinking initially how cool it was that we could actually watch a perspective change over a year’s time and truly WHAT A FORMATIVE YEAR it was! She was originally interviewed at 15 and the second when she was (obviously) 16. In this time, she gained over 3 million followers, toured all over the world, met countless celebrities, and released another album (or two?). I knew fame could change people, but I did not expect to see what I saw during her second interview.

She consistently referred to her younger self as so cute and seemed to have this affection for who she used to be. She talked a lot in both interviews about trying to be less sad (can relate) and making music that no one has ever heard before. It seemed that at 16, she gave up on the idea that she had unique experiences to discuss. I think she doesn’t give herself enough credit, as everyone experiences life in a different way and she clearly, not many 15 year olds go through what she has. It also seemed like she doubted her song writing capablities. Honestly, I’m not necessarily the biggest Billie Eilish fan ((her voice is amazing but I find many of the songs boring)), but witnessing her spark disappear within only a year’s time… It was definitely hard to digest. I don’t know what’s going on with her but the difference was disheartening. It made me feel like being recognized for how amazing you are brings self doubt and pressure to perform at the same caliber as before. We’ve seen it time and time again with countless celebrities and even youtubers, writers and artists of all kind.

The concept of “famous” is hard for me to understand. Does fame inherently mean popular? Doesn’t that mean that you’re well liked? Or is it really just being well known? And how does it affect the unique thoughts that set you apart from the others? Is being famous even being unique? Or is it being relatable? Bo Burnham talked about how his anxiety started to fade once he realized he WASN’T unique. (I believe it’s spoken about in this section of his interview on the H3 podcast if you want to check it out)

There is no way to escape the opinions of your peers. There will always be someone to judge you, but hopefully there will also be someone that venerates you. The question is, how do you react? Will you define yourself on your own terms? Or on those of other people? Is fame reactionary? Or is it a conversation?

Let me know what you think! Is it more difficult to be genuine the more people respond to you?

Thanks bbs <3

Update

Hey! If you have been following me at all you may be wondering why I stopped writing. Honestly, traveling and blogging is hard! I was too lazy. As of right now our traveling has come to an end and here I am in my real life trying to navigate time and space in the most productive way possible!!!!

So what have I been up to, anyway? Luckily I’ve found a job at a hospital and have started working this month!!!!!!! I’m so proud of myself. This is actually my first real big girl job ever and it’s been lovely so far. The work is really chill and the people are so nice. As far as blog posts, I just finished writing my Copenhagen one without the pressure of feeling like I have to fit a schedule or be confined by a topic and that truly made the idea of writing and sharing a lot easier! It makes so much sense, but as you know we all put a lot of unnecessary pressure on ourselves to complete or do things that we love. At least I do. I often feel bogged down by the potential I see within myself. When I practice and don’t immediately perform to the best of my abilities, I get easily discouraged. I keep replaying the word “persevere” through my mind and it encourages me a lot. So much so that I’ve actually got a couple of various things in the works! I’m not afraid to start and stop as I feel necessary. I’ll still be doing some of my travel blogging because I’ve made it my goal upload something from each of the cities we went to. It would just be so lovely to have a record of things so I can look back on them and be reminded of my time abroad with bae. So stay tuned for that amongst some other things!

In addition, if you want a little more me (perhaps you miss me or maybe you just want to see more of the face behind the name), I also started a YouTube channel! Well - “started” is a loose term in this case. Not only because I’ve had it forever and have used it semi-frequently to upload videos, but also because I’m terrible at uploading things consistently on there too! Hopefully now (just like this blog) it will be in a more regular sense! We shall see! The possibilities are endless!!!!!!

Tell me one attainable goal you have!!! I need to know! let’s inspire each other!

Copenhagen

Let’s talk about stop #2!

Copenhagen. Last post I used a lot of exclamation points. In this post, I will try to use not so many! 

Okay so when we got to Copenhagen, Caleb was feeling pretty sick. To be honest, we really didn’t see much of the city. But I must warn you: if you are a kebab person:: kebab in Copenhagen is not their bread and butter!!! We walked by a place that seemed to have some delicious and creamy sauce, but it was a bland disappointment. Copenhagen has some sour sauce. Like sour cream but like.. worse? It was definitely not the best, but then again, you don’t really hear much about Denmark’s food. Ha ha!

Casual street pic

Enjoying a walk through the city center

I would also say Copenhagen is a great place to shop, though we were quite early into our trip before we were super ready to get out there and spend the big bucks. Caleb and I knew we would be shopping a lot a little bit later in our trip, so it was a little hard to be excited about shopping in Copenhagen. It was lovely to walk around and check out what they had to offer though and we spend most of our time just roaming the streets, people watching, and eating ice cream waffles. Yum!

We stayed outside the main city center in a VERY tiny airbnb, but it worked out quite well because the public transportation there is lovely and very transparent about when the trains will arrive down to the last half of a minute! We actually thought this was hilarious, because never had we seen public transportation that counts down seconds til a train would arrive. Trains come about every 5 minutes and were very consistent, which made the trip to the city quite enjoyable. Excuse the blurry pics, despite efficient train systems, the stations were quite crowded!

Despite some sickness and lack of motivation to exit the WG (it was also rather cold), we got ourselves up and out to do some cultural activities! We decided to tour The Christiansborg Palace, which is home to the Danish parlaiment, the Prime minister’s office and the Danish supreme court. Denmark is one of 28 constitutional monarchies that still reign today, which means the Queen has essentially the same amount of power as the Queen of England; she’s a symbol of the government and power of Denmark, but the prime minister is the true head of legislation. The royals still use three sections of the palace: the reception rooms, the stables and the palace chapel. We got to see the reception rooms, the stable, and the kitchen. Wow! That kitchen is incredible. Copper cookware everywhere and so big! Truly a kitchen of dreams. Though it was a rainy day, we still enjoyed our time there.

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To end our stay in Denmark, Caleb and I watched Shrek like 3 times in one night, woke up bright and early the next day, and made our way to Hamburg!

Stay tuned for the next blog, which will be out within one week! Not 6 months this time!

Leave me a comment and let me know somewhere you want to travel to one day!

Oslo in the Summertime

So hey! As discussed in my description, I’ve just started a travel adventure with my boyfriend and I decided to document some of our going ons as we’re going across Europe and meeting all the random people we meet and seeing all of the cool sights we’re so lucky to be able to witness. What a time to be alive! We were wondering about the years to come... would our children be able to see these places 50 years from now? That’s the hope! But for now, we’re just enjoying what we can while we can!

So, Oslo, right?!  Why Oslo???? Well there’s a band called Of Montreal and they have a song called Oslo in the Summertime and it is truly delightful, I would recommend everyone to listen to it. Those tubuler sounds and funky lyrics just draw you in. I had to see the place that inspired such a wonderful song, so we decided it would be our first stop on our excursion!

Oslo is an interesting place. We stayed relatively close to the Stadt (city) when we were there, only a few tram stops away. Our first day there, Caleb got a tattoo from Humannature666 and it is so amazing. Both of us are in love with it. We had a wonderful time while we were there with him! Apparently Caleb was his first American client, which he said was very humbling. He really was one of the most down to earth tatooers that I’ve met and he really deserves all the success coming to him. People all around Europe have gotten tattooed by him and he’s planning on doing a tour that goes all around including places like Paris! Anyway, here are some pictures of the tattoo, including his Instagram post about it. His comments are so sweet!

And here is the close up! 

Literally that same night we went to a bar that our Airbnb host recommended (I definitely recommend going to mentions from an Airbnb host because [obviously] they know the area quite well... or I hope they wouldn’t be an Airbnb host!) called Cafe Nero and WOW! It really was a wonderful place. It was very small and quaint, but the music was right and the lighting was low and soft. The bartender was very attentive and even came up to us after we ordered to see if we liked the beer that he recommended to us. He also gave us little bowls of popcorn to cleanse our palettes. If you know me, you know that I LOVE popcorn and it was the best little surprise. Unfortunately, this is not a common Norwegian thing, but it was cool nonetheless!

Later in the evening I was ordering another beer and a Norwegian person recognized my American accent. He asked me where I came from and what I did. We got to talking and I found out that he was a DJ! He was very sweet and Caleb and I hung out with him the rest of the night. He told us that he spent some time in Japan, met an American from Oklahoma (I think?), who he really connected with. He said he learned so many life lessons from him this person and he was thrilled to connect with more Americans. This always makes me happy to hear, because sometimes you don’t know how people react when you tell them you’re from the US. Usually it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, but it’s always funny when you hear about someone who happens to meet a bunch of American people and really connect with them. Though we’re from all over the place, I guess us Americans have some sort of scent (maybe a sound :P).

As it turns out, Norweigan people are really nice and accommodating, as my exchange student from high school (originally from Germany), told me that he met a group of people from Norway that stopped him and his friends on a ferry from Hamburg to Oslo and introduced themselves and they all became friends. So you know if you’re worried about going somewhere where the people don’t speak English as their native language, Norway may be a good option for you.

To end our stay in Oslo we just ended up walking around the city and eating some okay tasting sushi from a lil conveyer belt that delivered sushi right to your spot. This was nice, but warning: you don’t always know how long the sushi has been out, so it’s best to order fresh! The next day we were on our way to Copenhagen, which was definitely a different experience from what I expected! But more on that later ;)

To end this post I’ll just add a few pictures from our time in Oslo! Enjoy! (This is usually my favorite part of any blog post!)

This was the main train station!

The picture above and below are both from talking walks around the neighborhood we stayed in.

We love a goofy statue pic :P

Caleb and I sitting atop a fort on the coast of Oslo

I’m pretty sure this was a theater hall but I can’t remember to be honest! 😂

The port at Oslo

Love this gummy candy name!!!

What makes a great writer?

What makes a great writer?

The ability to be vulnerable? To have patience? Is it the careful construction of a sentence? Is it the best vocabulary used in the most perfectly put together way?

I’m not really sure honestly. I wouldn’t call myself a great writer. I wouldn’t even call myself a good one. I think I’m insightful, but when it comes to an accurate and interesting description of a story or a concept, I find it a struggle to persevere through the bad first drafts and the writers block that plagues one as I attempt to freely let my thoughts flow onto my screen. (In this case I’m writing on my iPhone and my iPad).

You hear about writers who write novels and poems and sonnets and plays and that they rewrite those sentences and conversations and moments more than 20 times. How do they do it?! I get so sick of reading my stuff. I feel like I can’t even write after a 10 minute spurt of inspiration. I think honestly, though, it’s because I’m self conscious. Too scared of what will come out. Would other people see it? Would they like it? Would I like it? Do I enjoy seeing the words -these extensions of my thoughts- that my hands produce? Are they worth while? Everything usually comes out in a long and twisted jumble. Does it make sense? Where am I going? What point am I trying to make?

In times like these I look to other writers and wonder about where the charm in their stories comes from. I think it stems from their asides and their ability to insert another clip or suggestion of a story in order to make things relatable. Of course anyone can read sentences put together, but the flow is what I desire. Are all of my sentences 5 words? Are they a mixture of lengths? Can my readers even follow my thought process? Do my connections make sense?

More fears come from wondering what makes people even care about stories. And I wonder what makes a person so special to write about? Why are we discussing this person or main character? What am I missing by not writing from other character’s perspectives? Or just in general another story? How come we don’t hear stories about average people? Is that interesting? Do people want to know what someone else’s normal is? Would my normal be interesting? What even is normal? Is mine different from everyone else’s normal?

I think perhaps people do care about what other people’s normal is. Perhaps this is why I’m writing this blog. I just want to share more of myself. I don’t want to hide behind an image that I curate on instagram. And I DEFINITELY have tried to curate an image on instagram as much as I’d like to think that I haven’t. I don’t post nearly as many pictures as I’d like to because I just don’t want them to be out of place. I like a feed that looks clean. I would say I’m not necessarily the best at having a “clean” feed, honestly, but I do love the puzzle of it all. While writing this blog, I would like it to not be a puzzle. I want it to be the pure essence of me. I want to be able to feel inspired and just post a couple pictures or post my ideas about something or talk about people and have those people be excited to be mentioned. I want to let you in on the inner workings of my mind and the way I do things. I experience cool things all the time and I want to share them. I want people to know what I find fascinating and interesting day to day and I feel like my normal is just as interesting as anyone else’s.

I’ve been really afraid for a long time to reveal anything publicly this way. I used to write really intense and sad poetry all the time. I’d upload it to Facebook. I’d want the attention and the feedback, but it really wasn’t the place and it wasn’t really the time, either.

When you’re in 8th grade people don’t care about poetry or the fact that you’re sad. They just avoid all signs of emotions like these and try to be the coolest and happiest kid out there. We’ve all seen it. That’s why you lose so many friends during that time. You’re constantly trying to find your place. You try something new because it seems cool, and when it’s not, you move onto better things, better hobbies and better people.

I’m just trying to find my place in the world and I figure, by uploading things to a place that’s purely mine, the people who want to come and check it out, will. And hopefully you’ll keep on coming back. People who don’t care simply won’t care and they’ll just move on. It doesn’t have to be that I see how many people viewed a post and then kept scrolling because someone else was posting pictures or talking about their problems and they already have given a spoon to a different person so why would they waste a spoon on Jessie? Who is Jessie? Why the hell does she post so much? Why is it so weird? Why is it so intense? Why so many photos? What are these poems? They’re so depressing and, frankly, I hate when she posts them.

This seems very negative! It’s so not meant to be negative! These are just things I suspect people think. This post attempts to accumulate some of the questions and thoughts I have and have wanted to share as a little introduction before I get to being me and talking about my life. So if you really are here with me and want to read more: thanks for coming, thanks for reading and listening. Once I figure out this commenting situation, thank you for commenting and (hopefully) growing with me. One day, perhaps, even I’ll be a great writer!

-Initial draft written on a Flixbus from Hamburg to Berlin around noon on an iPhone-

9/11

Omg y’all this pic looks wack on my screen I hope it doesn’t look wack on yours. Also this is from me today. Also please know, I’m working on the whole self worth thing. It’s coming slowly but surely!!!!