What makes a great writer?

The ability to be vulnerable? To have patience? Is it the careful construction of a sentence? Is it the best vocabulary used in the most perfectly put together way?

I’m not really sure honestly. I wouldn’t call myself a great writer. I wouldn’t even call myself a good one. I think I’m insightful, but when it comes to an accurate and interesting description of a story or a concept, I find it a struggle to persevere through the bad first drafts and the writers block that plagues one as I attempt to freely let my thoughts flow onto my screen. (In this case I’m writing on my iPhone and my iPad).

You hear about writers who write novels and poems and sonnets and plays and that they rewrite those sentences and conversations and moments more than 20 times. How do they do it?! I get so sick of reading my stuff. I feel like I can’t even write after a 10 minute spurt of inspiration. I think honestly, though, it’s because I’m self conscious. Too scared of what will come out. Would other people see it? Would they like it? Would I like it? Do I enjoy seeing the words -these extensions of my thoughts- that my hands produce? Are they worth while? Everything usually comes out in a long and twisted jumble. Does it make sense? Where am I going? What point am I trying to make?

In times like these I look to other writers and wonder about where the charm in their stories comes from. I think it stems from their asides and their ability to insert another clip or suggestion of a story in order to make things relatable. Of course anyone can read sentences put together, but the flow is what I desire. Are all of my sentences 5 words? Are they a mixture of lengths? Can my readers even follow my thought process? Do my connections make sense?

More fears come from wondering what makes people even care about stories. And I wonder what makes a person so special to write about? Why are we discussing this person or main character? What am I missing by not writing from other character’s perspectives? Or just in general another story? How come we don’t hear stories about average people? Is that interesting? Do people want to know what someone else’s normal is? Would my normal be interesting? What even is normal? Is mine different from everyone else’s normal?

I think perhaps people do care about what other people’s normal is. Perhaps this is why I’m writing this blog. I just want to share more of myself. I don’t want to hide behind an image that I curate on instagram. And I DEFINITELY have tried to curate an image on instagram as much as I’d like to think that I haven’t. I don’t post nearly as many pictures as I’d like to because I just don’t want them to be out of place. I like a feed that looks clean. I would say I’m not necessarily the best at having a “clean” feed, honestly, but I do love the puzzle of it all. While writing this blog, I would like it to not be a puzzle. I want it to be the pure essence of me. I want to be able to feel inspired and just post a couple pictures or post my ideas about something or talk about people and have those people be excited to be mentioned. I want to let you in on the inner workings of my mind and the way I do things. I experience cool things all the time and I want to share them. I want people to know what I find fascinating and interesting day to day and I feel like my normal is just as interesting as anyone else’s.

I’ve been really afraid for a long time to reveal anything publicly this way. I used to write really intense and sad poetry all the time. I’d upload it to Facebook. I’d want the attention and the feedback, but it really wasn’t the place and it wasn’t really the time, either.

When you’re in 8th grade people don’t care about poetry or the fact that you’re sad. They just avoid all signs of emotions like these and try to be the coolest and happiest kid out there. We’ve all seen it. That’s why you lose so many friends during that time. You’re constantly trying to find your place. You try something new because it seems cool, and when it’s not, you move onto better things, better hobbies and better people.

I’m just trying to find my place in the world and I figure, by uploading things to a place that’s purely mine, the people who want to come and check it out, will. And hopefully you’ll keep on coming back. People who don’t care simply won’t care and they’ll just move on. It doesn’t have to be that I see how many people viewed a post and then kept scrolling because someone else was posting pictures or talking about their problems and they already have given a spoon to a different person so why would they waste a spoon on Jessie? Who is Jessie? Why the hell does she post so much? Why is it so weird? Why is it so intense? Why so many photos? What are these poems? They’re so depressing and, frankly, I hate when she posts them.

This seems very negative! It’s so not meant to be negative! These are just things I suspect people think. This post attempts to accumulate some of the questions and thoughts I have and have wanted to share as a little introduction before I get to being me and talking about my life. So if you really are here with me and want to read more: thanks for coming, thanks for reading and listening. Once I figure out this commenting situation, thank you for commenting and (hopefully) growing with me. One day, perhaps, even I’ll be a great writer!

-Initial draft written on a Flixbus from Hamburg to Berlin around noon on an iPhone-

9/11

Omg y’all this pic looks wack on my screen I hope it doesn’t look wack on yours. Also this is from me today. Also please know, I’m working on the whole self worth thing. It’s coming slowly but surely!!!!