Influence

I used to write poetry frequently to help deal with some of the emotional turmoil I’m sure we all experienced at least a little bit during school. Then, it was not enough just to write; I wanted feedback! I actually wanted to be a really real writer, and my friend at the time showed me this website called Deliric.com and was it THE best. No one knew about it except for us and the community was super small and the people were nice and middle school me lived for the anonymity. We used to post all the time and encourage each other to write and it made us feel so good because there was no pressure from anyone else to be an actual good poet; no one knew us, and we were good enough friends at the time to never judge each other about our own content. It was truly a beautiful time.

The idea of getting “Deliric famous” thrilled me. I felt that any comment I received had to be genuine, because no one on there really knew me and perhaps one day I could be a rando on the internet posting “deep” shit and years into the future I would be quoted as a deep thinker, feeler, and capturer of emotions. “Anonymous” has been quoted time and time again. Anonymous knows so many things all the while being able to literally be anyone and anything without influence and… pressure? from an outside source. What power anonymity has! I adore that part of me that just wanted my creations to be loved.

Now that I think back on it, it makes me laugh because there is no way a lack of pressure could be involved in that situation. If people write about you and you know they’re writing about you, isn’t it only natural to internalize those things in your own way and respond to them as your progress throughout your career?

I was watching an interview of Billie Eilish today, where she was doing the same interview one year apart. I was thinking initially how cool it was that we could actually watch a perspective change over a year’s time and truly WHAT A FORMATIVE YEAR it was! She was originally interviewed at 15 and the second when she was (obviously) 16. In this time, she gained over 3 million followers, toured all over the world, met countless celebrities, and released another album (or two?). I knew fame could change people, but I did not expect to see what I saw during her second interview.

She consistently referred to her younger self as so cute and seemed to have this affection for who she used to be. She talked a lot in both interviews about trying to be less sad (can relate) and making music that no one has ever heard before. It seemed that at 16, she gave up on the idea that she had unique experiences to discuss. I think she doesn’t give herself enough credit, as everyone experiences life in a different way and she clearly, not many 15 year olds go through what she has. It also seemed like she doubted her song writing capablities. Honestly, I’m not necessarily the biggest Billie Eilish fan ((her voice is amazing but I find many of the songs boring)), but witnessing her spark disappear within only a year’s time… It was definitely hard to digest. I don’t know what’s going on with her but the difference was disheartening. It made me feel like being recognized for how amazing you are brings self doubt and pressure to perform at the same caliber as before. We’ve seen it time and time again with countless celebrities and even youtubers, writers and artists of all kind.

The concept of “famous” is hard for me to understand. Does fame inherently mean popular? Doesn’t that mean that you’re well liked? Or is it really just being well known? And how does it affect the unique thoughts that set you apart from the others? Is being famous even being unique? Or is it being relatable? Bo Burnham talked about how his anxiety started to fade once he realized he WASN’T unique. (I believe it’s spoken about in this section of his interview on the H3 podcast if you want to check it out)

There is no way to escape the opinions of your peers. There will always be someone to judge you, but hopefully there will also be someone that venerates you. The question is, how do you react? Will you define yourself on your own terms? Or on those of other people? Is fame reactionary? Or is it a conversation?

Let me know what you think! Is it more difficult to be genuine the more people respond to you?

Thanks bbs <3