Bringing A Want To Fruition And The Feelings That Come With It

Today I fINALLY got my desk together after wanting an office/work space for SO MANY YEARS!

This little corner of my apartment has been something that I’ve been dreaming about since I moved out of a dorm, and actively sought to finish and accomplish since I moved to Oregon. My IKEA desk was ordered over 2 weeks ago, was FINALLY DELIVERED YESTERDAY (praise the lord! I actually came through to accept the deliveries on the 3rd try!), and was officially finished being put together today! So when I put the last drawer into its slot and put the top of the desk on my ALEX drawer units, why was I all of a sudden so sad?

I saw my desk put together almost exactly how I had imagined it: wood top on white drawer units, resting in front of the windows, sitting there with a chair perfectly sized for me, and why was my first reaction to cry? It wasn’t a happy! Yay! This is done now! cry either. It was a sad, somber, empty cry. It affected me so much that later on in the day, Caleb even approached me saying he was worried about me and asked me what was wrong. I didn’t have words at the time, but I think I’m getting a grasp on how I feel.

On the one hand, we’ve been through a lot of stress. My job search isn’t as successful as I hoped it would be, my creative juices seem to be on E, we’ve had a phone stolen and just spent the money to replace it, we’re exhausted from travelling and I keep making silly life mistakes that cost significantly more time and energy to fix than if I had just put the dedication in to not get it wrong in the first place.

But my reason for crying was not that I am stressed, it was truly because I felt like I did NOT DESERVE this space for me after so long of feeling like I keep dropping the ball. I feel like everything I do is like a snowball rolling downhill, collecting more and more weight as it tumbles on by. I feel like there is an expectation I’ve put on myself and I continuously am disappointing myself on all fronts, that when I saw this desk that I had wanted so badly, that I put together with my own hands, that was purely a gift and a luxury for me… I felt like I truly did not deserve it.

I live this wonderful and amazing life and I keep making things harder on myself by not being consistent and not following through and the literal one thing I followed through on to get finished was this selfish want for this thing that so many people do not have and I feel like I didn’t work for it enough or do enough good to be able to receive this thing that is so wonderful and amazing. AKA: I keep fucking up, so why am I allowing me to spoil myself?

This is truly the reason I felt so sad and somber, but this is the reason I must use this desk and this space as a TOOL TO DO GOOD.

I cannot let this feeling drown out the excitement I feel to have this for me. How much of an entitled prick would I be if I busted everyone’s nuts for years to have a space of my own, and then when I finally got it I was just a sad sack the entire time and didn’t let myself truly enjoy it?

JUST WAIT. This desk is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I already feel stronger, more empowered and more excited to utilize this space to the best of my abilities than I have about a lot of things in my life. This desk I am not scared of; I feel privileged to be able to have this space and I’m going to USE IT.

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME VENT.

Stop telling yourself you’re a piece of shit and use the things you love to make you feel better.

Love you. You can do it <3